By Jane Hoskyn
You, there – the man covering yourself in aftershave and polishing your massive car. Stop! If you want to impress a woman, you’re already going about it in at least two of the worst ways.
You may think that certain strategies make you irresistible to all breathing females, but actually they’re among women’s biggest turn-offs. It’s time you knew the truth.
Success saboteur 1: X-rated kissing technique
It’s a soul-destroying experience for a woman. She fancies a guy, he seems to fancy her, they chat, they flirt, he moves in for a kiss… and his lips open up to envelope her entire lower face, like a horny octopus.
This is the point at which she realises, her heart heavy with disappointment, that he has zero boyfriend potential. Once she’s disentangled herself from his slobbery grip, he’s unlikely to see her again.
If you want to impress a woman with your kissing technique, remember: less is more. Gently brush her lips with yours. Let her lead the pace. Use your tongue to tease her, not to throttle her. If she wants you to be more forceful, she’ll soon let you know.
Success saboteur 2: Super-white teeth
Love lessons from the life of Simon Cowell, part 46: know when to stop bleaching your teeth. Clean, bright, non-crumbly teeth improve your appearance, partly because it’s connected with youth (people’s teeth naturally darken as they get older). So a whiter smile can boost your appeal, but not when it’s so bright that it is not longer recognisably human.
On a slight tangent, have you ever been out with someone who brags that they’ve never had a filling in their entire life? These people are smug, and they lack important life experience. Avoid them.
Success saboteur 3: “Treat ‘em mean, keep ‘em keen”
Don’t mess with a woman’s head by blowing hot and cold. Playing hard to get may trigger her interest in the short run, but it’ll soon make her frustrated and insecure. Life’s too short for that, and few grown-up women can be bothered.
If you really like a girl, let her know. You don’t have to stalk her like a desperate puppy. Ask her out – and then ring or text her the next day to say how much you enjoyed it. It’ll make her feel good, and that’s what successful dating is all about. If you get turned down, move on to someone who’s interested.
Success saboteur 4: Flashing the cash
A stingy bloke is not much fun to date. But don’t go to the opposite extreme by throwing money around. A cash-splasher lacks respect for money, and that won’t impress any woman. Be generous, but also show that you can be responsible. Let her pay for dinner sometimes, too. She wants a boyfriend, not a sugar daddy.
Success saboteur 5: Pricey clothes
A dateable man makes an effort and knows how to work a washing machine. An undateable man maxes out his overdraft on designer outfits that he only wears once because he can’t be bothered to get them dry cleaned, and then can’t pay his gas bill because he’s got no money left.
It’s not just about responsibility. Women want men with flair and smarts – men who can dress well for any occasion without breaking the bank. They don’t want men who need labels to prop up their rubbish self-esteem.
Besides, a bloke who spends all his cash on clothes is unlikely to have much left over to spend on his girlfriend.
Success saboteur 6: Telling her how fit she is
You might think that the words “you’re dead fit” will make any woman melt into your arms. They will not. It’s a non-compliment compliment. Any man with enough lager inside him will throw these words at any passing female.
Compliments that hit the spot are sincere, thoughtful and specific, and focus on a woman’s tastes or quirks. For example if you’re in a bar or at a party, tell a girl that you like the look of what she’s drinking, and ask what it is. Or compliment a specific part of her body, without getting lecherous. “You’ve got great tits” is lazy and lame, but “are your eyelashes real? They’re very long… sorry, I couldn’t help noticing” will probably get you a snog.
Success saboteur 7: Teasing
Teasing girls is like the face-flannel method of kissing: forgivable in a 13-year-old boy, but disastrous in any man old enough to know better. Nonetheless, plenty of grown men seem to think it’s flirtatious to make fun of a woman they don’t know well (or even one they do). It’s not flirtatious, it’s rude, and it doesn’t win snogs.
Success saboteur 8: Too much man-perfume
Men who douse themselves in what used to be called aftershave are like women who cake their faces in make-up. They think they’re God’s gift to the opposite sex, but actually they scare dogs and children, and they only get laid by drunk people.
Man-perfume (man-fume, let’s say) is like expensive clothes: it’s all a matter of degree. A little bit can boost your sex appeal – we all want a man who looks and smells nice, who makes an effort. We don’t want a man who ramps up the pong factor by squirting eight times when once would have done.
Some scientists reckon that women’s sense of smell is more sensitive than men’s, which may explain why your idea of “just enough” man-fume could be your dating downfall. Err on the side of caution.
Success saboteur 9: Loads of amazing anecdotes
Great, so you’ve been to Cuba and up Mount Kilimanjaro, and you drive an Audi and your dad’s got a yacht. Well done. Once you’ve spent all evening telling a girl about this, she’ll feel completely uninteresting by comparison. No-one wants to hang out with someone who makes them feel rubbish, so that’ll be the last you see of her.
By all means be honest about who you are and what you’ve got to offer. Self-pitying shrinking violets don’t get far on the dating scene, either. But as a rule, be more interested in her than in yourself. Leave her wanting to know more.
Success saboteur 10: Stubble
Don’t even think about going near a woman with that stuff on your chin. First off, it stopped being cool long George Michael (sultan of stubble) got arrested in those toilets. More important, it hurts our faces when you kiss us. Even more important, it leaves a rash. A woman with stubble rash might as well have “I had rough sex last night and I haven’t been home yet” written on her face in eyeliner. Gents, please: shave it or grow it.